Thoughts on Turning T H I R T Y
I turn 30 in a few days.
When did this happen? I swear I was 16 like 5 minutes ago, running about with my friends getting into all sorts of trouble but no matter what happened it was okay because the most we had to worry about was school, boys and what we were wearing at the weekend.
That was nearly half my life ago! I'm closer to 40 than I am 15! It's statements like that make me instantly PANIC , my heart beats faster, I get a bit short breathed and then I run to the local beauty store to purchase basically anything anti-aging that will comfort me (hence my recent interest in all things face cream).
30. 3000000000000000. T H I R T Y.
I have always had a timeline, ALWAYS and life threw a giant curve ball at it. I was going to join the army at 18 for a Gap Year Commission, go to uni, go to Sandhurst and then join either the Royal Military Police or the Army Legal Services. I had no plan B, but I also refused to have one. I had a health scare at the time and I was going for tests and scans and I failed the Army medical. Along that time line I was going to be married at 25 with a house too, kids at 28 (twins) and then back to the army being posted all round the world with my family. That was my plan and I was too stubborn to allow for anything else. I am super organised, I love structure and rules (hence the timeline, and probably the Army) and I learnt the hard way that life just doesn't work like that.
The good thing is that even though my timeline went to shit, my life is pretty awesome and even I'm only really starting out as a qualified lawyer now, everyday I become more confident in my abilities. Not only that but I become more sure of myself and I like the person I am; its great having surety in what I like or don't like, in my sense of style, my creativity when it comes to interior design, being able to stand up for myself and value my own opinion and on the odd occasion even just being able to tell people to fuck off. I think its Northern Irish culture to be quite self-deprecating and to devalue ourselves and our strengths, but I take steps everyday in becoming a healthier, happier and better me.
Although a realization hit me pretty hard the other day; my twenties are gone and I really wished I hadn't spent so much of them trying so hard. I wish I hadn't focused so much on starting in law; it would have been great if future me could have come back and said 'you wont qualify until you're 29, so go have fun'. I wish Mark and I had gone to live in Australia for a while and its hard to come to terms with the fact that its time I cant get back. I'm working hard now to invest in our future and should we have a family (one day and not anytime soon) those opportunities will be available for our kids, I will make sure of it. I know how far I've come; I have 3 degrees, I have a home I adore, I love my job and the firm I work in and I am beyond blessed and honoured to be able to spend my life with Mark. I am in love with my life but I still have a lot I want to do with it.
So yes, age/numbers/birthdays to me bring up the feeling of not having accomplished enough. Its not a comparison with other people's milestones per say, but I feel like I'm always in competition with myself or who I thought I was going to be. Most people say that your 30's are much better than your 20's, well you might have more money but you definitely have more wrinkles and don't even get me started on how bad hangovers are already. But saying that, I am excited for this next age-phase of my life. I have no idea what the next 5, 10... years have in store (hopefully a lot more travel) and I know when the clock strikes midnight on my 30th birthday, I'll not be suddenly struck with a road map to life (although that would be super handy!).
I read an article called 30 Life Lessons From 30 Years- By Joshua Fields Millburn and two of the lessons stood out to me:
'6. The meaning of life; giving is living. The best way to live a worthwhile life is simple: continuously grow as an individual and contribute to other people in a meaningful way. Growth and contribution: that’s the meaning of life
18. Be on the mountain. I use this term as a metaphor for living in the moment. When you climb to the peak, don’t immediately plan your descent. Enjoy the view. Be on the mountain. Just be.'
So with that in mind, my positivity pants on and the fact that I can't stop the clock, here's to health and happiness to everyone turning the big 3-0 and being on the mountain.
p.s. Ill try not to freak out too much on Sunday. Maybe...
